"Whoa?"

I finally got someone on the phone at the Department of Labor today. It did not go as well as I'd hoped. I called, and by-passed the voice mail with my "magic number" (see yesterday's post), and waited on hold for a while, but not for as long as yesterday, when I gave up after about an hour. Today, after only about 20 minutes, a guy picked up the phone and got acquainted with my personal information (social security number, address, stuff like that). I never did get his name, so I'll just refer to him from here on out as Huge Asshole.

Huge Asshole: What can I help you with today?

Me: Well, I've been filing weekly claims now for the past four weeks, and I have yet to receive a single check.

Huge Asshole: Your claim is being investigated.

Me: What is there to investigate?

Huge Asshole: You have been assigned an adjudicator who is in the process of investigating the reason for your separation from your prior employer. He has been given five weeks to complete the investigation.

Me: Five weeks?! Listen, maybe we could cut that short a little. I have a memo from my prior employer that sets forth the reason for my separation. Can I just give that to you?

Huge Asshole: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I am not your adjudicator.

Me (thinking: "Whoa?"): Can I give it to the adjudicator?

Huge Asshole: No. That is not how it is done.

Me: Can I call the adjudicator? Do you have his number?

Huge Asshole: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I cannot give you that information.

Me: Why? If the adjudicator is investigating my claim, don't you think he'd want to talk to me?

Huge Asshole: That is not part of the investigation.

Me: OK. Well, what exactly is involved in this investigation?

Huge Asshole (sighing heavily): First, he sends a letter to your former employer. Then, he follows up with a phone call.

Me: And that takes five weeks?

Huge Asshole: Sir, you seem to under the mistaken assumption that you are the adjudicator's only case. He has very large caseload.

Me: I'm not assuming anything, and I know all about huge caseloads and deadlines. But five weeks? Doesn't that seem like a long time?

Huge Asshole: That is the situation, Sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Me: No. No, I don't think so. Thanks so much.

I really love the way people in Huge Asshole's position always end their calls by asking if there is anything else they can help you with, when in fact they have not helped you with anything at all. I get the same from the mortgage company and the student loan people. It's apparently been added to all the scripts.