It's been exactly a month since my "change in employment status." In that month, there has been no further change in my employment status. I check the job boards daily. I receive an email bulletin from one job-board aggregator, which, every day, has the subject line, "William, we have found X new attorney jobs in Lincoln, Nebraska!" But, so far, whenever I open the email, none of the jobs have been attorney jobs and most have not been in Lincoln. Today, for instance, there were six nursing jobs: one in Lincoln, two in Omaha, and three in other states.
The "new jobs today" lists on every board I checked is exactly the same as it was a month ago. This is not encouraging.
I've applied for quite a lot of jobs: some that I am qualified for (basically all the attorney jobs listed), some I'm probably not qualified for (what exactly do insurance adjusters do, anyway?), and some that I am, frankly, over-qualified for (no offense, data-entry clerks and UPS package-sorters). So far, but for a single automated email, I've gotten no response to any of my applications.
Thank goodness for unemployment insurance, right? Having worked pretty much uninterrupted for about 35 years (if you overlook that rough patch in the late 70s and early 80s), there should be a tidy amount of money for me to at least live on while I continue looking for work. If that's even how the system works. Who knows, really? Well, somebody does, just not me.
But I do need the money, so I have been applying dutifully each week for unemployment benefits, using the Nebraska Department of Labor's handy and convenient website. So far, after four weeks, and four applications, I have received nothing. My applications are "pending." Earlier this week (Monday), getting a little desperate, I tried calling the "Unemployment Hotline." I reached a recording of a man telling me that applications were no longer being accepted over the phone, and then, oddly, telling me to press "1" for English, which I did. Then the recorded voice asked for my social security number "for identification purposes." I punched it in, and the voice said, "I'm sorry, but that is not your social security number. Please call back when you have your correct social security number." And the line went dead.
I tried again. I dunno. Maybe I typed it in wrong. And then I thought, "Wait a minute, how does that recorded voice know what my social security number is? This makes no sense." I got the same result the second time.
So I went to the unemployment office, physically, in person. I stood in line for only a short time and was greeted at the counter by a very friendly elderly woman. I explained my troubles to her and she looked up my account on her computer. "Oh, I see what the problem is," she said. "You answered 'no' to a question you should have answered 'yes' to."
"What question was that?"
She told me, and I'd repeat it but I honestly don't remember what it was. However, I do remember that the actual, correct, answer to the question was 'no' and not 'yes.'
"Oh, I know," said the kind old woman. "But it just doesn't work unless you answer 'yes.'"
I was confused, but glad that she was able to fix my problem. I asked her when I could expect my checks. "Well, you still have to confirm it by phone," she said. I told her about my phone experience, about how the voice told me they no longer took applications by phone, and that when I tried anyway the voice told me I didn't know my own social security number and then hung up on me.
She sighed wearily, as if she had heard this all before, then wrote down a number on a piece of paper and handed it to me. "Next time you call," she said, "Enter this number right when the recorded voice starts speaking and you will go directly to a person who can help you. But don't even bother trying today. It's always busy on Mondays. You'll never get through."
So I tried it on Tuesday. The secret number worked, or seemed to anyway. I was sent to another recorded voice which told me to call back on Thursday, because my last name starts with a letter between 'S' and 'Z.'
It's Thursday, and I've been on hold since a few minutes before I started typing this blog. I do a lot of re-writing and editing as I go along. We're getting close to an hour now.
At this point, my expectations are low. Here's what I expect: all of my job applications and resumes and cover letters are out there, swirling in the ether, and will eventually be routed into an enormous "cloud-trashcan." My unemployment benefits will continue to "pend" until I am completely out of money, have lost my house, and am living, and eventually dying, in the street.
Then one day, the kind old woman from the Unemployment Office will find my corpse rotting in the mud in the unpaved street that leads to the City Mission. She will say something like, "Oh dear," tuck a check into my shirt pocket, and apologize for the bookkeeping error.
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*Apparently, there is no such word as "mensiversary," although it seems like there ought to be. And, while I'm really not a language snob (I'm not smart enough), I'm simply not going to stoop to the clunky and ridiculous phrase "one month anniversary."
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