Veteran's Day Parade Committee Report, 11/10/13

Each year, your local Veterans Day Parade Planning Committee receives hundreds of suggestions on how we can improve our local Veterans Day celebration. We want you to know that we appreciate your suggestions and that we read each and every one of them. (Yes, even yours, “John Galt 2000,” but, again, we need an actual name and address. Have your mother call me.)

Obviously, we cannot implement every great idea we receive. Every year, for example, we receive excellent suggestions for Grand Marshall. Unfortunately, most of the suggested nominees are simply not within our budget. We cannot afford Dick Cheney or Robert McNamara (is he even alive?), or Henry Kissinger, just to name a few of the more popular suggestions.

As for the person who suggested the town's last surviving World War II Veteran – what a lovely idea! Sadly, however, we no longer have one. Old Harold died last month. There was a small service at the nursing home.

For the record, and for future reference, we will NEVER accept any of the following:

• Candy bullets.
• Morphine taco trucks.
• The “PTSD Players” reenactment of the My Lai Massacre remains interesting, but we have no intention of including it in the parade, ever. (You need not send us any more videos. Thank you.)
• Synchronized drone flyover. (Again, this is mainly a budget issue.)
• Abu Ghraib Costume Ball. (We think we know what's going on here – we saw those costumes at the Halloween party!)
• Crucifixion dog-chews. (Seriously, we didn't bite on Easter. Why would we want them now?)

In conclusion, we, the committee, thank you for your continued interest. Please come to the Parade tomorrow and show your support for the Veterans Day Parade Committee. And of course the veterans who made it possible.

"Health Care Free"

I am Barry.

I am Barry.

Barry, I be.

That Barry-I-be,

That Barry-I-be,

I do not like that Barry-I-be.

But do you want your health care free?

I do not want it, Barry-I-be.

I do not want my health care free.

How about a free flu shot?

I do not want a free flu shot.

Your free flu shot is a communist plot!

I do not want my health care free.

You stay away, you Barry-I-be.

Perhaps you're due for a prostate check?

Say, is that a pustule on your neck?

Do not slander me, Barry-I-be!

I assure you, my neck is quite pustule-free.

And no, I'm not due for a prostate probe,

So keep your gloves and your paper robe

In you cupboard, along with the rest of your plan,

And I'll keep talking, for as long as I can.

It couldn't hurt to have a doctor check it,

Your odds are much better, the sooner it's detected.

This phantom pustule that only you see

Is my personal pustule -- it belongs to me!

And even if it's only imaginary,

Your scrutiny threatens my liberty!

Well, that's up to you and not up to me,

But have your wife take a look – I'm sure she'll agree.

Leave my wife out of it, you bogus Hawaiian,

Our marriage ain't perfect, but God knows we're tryin'.

Counseling's covered under my plan

Even if it turns out that your wife is a man.

My wife is a woman, you foreign-born cur!

Take back your slander, take back your slur!

Marriage, a sacred tradition most holy,

Can be between one man and one woman only.

Our marriage needs none of your cheap therapy.

In our traditional roles, we are awfully happy.

And I have no pustule on my neck.

And I do not need a prostate check.

And I do not want a free flu shot.

I am no part of your communist plot.

I do not want my health care free.

I do not want it, Barry-I-be.

Can I interest you in some birth control?

It's covered (at your employer's discretion).

Free samples are available.

Just ask your pharmacist if you have any questions.

We do not need your birth control pills

Which lead to most of society's ills.

And if condoms and such were not God-forbidden,

They'd have grown on trees in the Garden of Eden.

We do not need your therapy.

My wife and I are fine, you see.

Lancing pustules is not a Government function

Let them try it – I'll get an injunction.

So keep your check-ups to yourself

Your prostate probes, leave on the shelf.

I do not need your free flu shot.

I do not want your health care plot.

How long have I been talking now?

My mouth is dry, I'm growing hoarse.

But I made a promise, I made a vow.

I must keep talking, must stay the course.

It's been twenty-one hours – your throat must be sore.

Can I get you lozenge, so you can talk more?

Don't try to trick me, you Barry-I-be.

I'm smart; I'm from Harvard – not some lesser Ivy.

Don't worry – there are no tricks up my sleeve.

If you can't trust a Harvard man, who can you believe?

I'll accept your lozenge in the spirit of comity

How much to I owe you, Barry-I-be?

Not a thing, Mr. Cruz. It's totally free.

Totally free?

But how can that be?

Your rank and position make you specially privileged

Like most of us here in this rancorous village,

To benefits most folks can't even conceive.

So suck on your lozenge and gracefully leave.

I will suck your lozenge, you Barry-I-be,

And thank you so kindly for giving it to me.

When I'm finished, a staffer will make an appointment --

My pustule is aching; I must need some ointment.

And yes, I will even get a free flu shot.

Preventative medicine is no commie plot.

My prostate needs probing, I'm loath to admit it

(But the fact is, I rather like it a bit.)

I do want your health care, you Barry-I-be,

How could I not want something totally free?

It costs not a nickel, or even a song,

For rich folks like us, it's been free all along!

"Help Wanted"

Innovative financial firm with strong corporate values and a pleasant working environment seeks dynamic, highly motivated self-starter with proven leadership skills and an excellent track-record of motivating others. The ideal
candidate will be driven to achieving results, have top-notch organizational and communications skills, and be willing to relocate. Do not apply if you are not goal-oriented or are unable to lift, push or pull up to 60 pounds. Positive attitude required. Excellent multi-tasking skills a must. Must enjoy working under the pressure of constant and arbitrary deadlines. Must be an exceptional problem-solver with an eye for detail, eager to roll up your sleeves and produce results. Must be forward-thinking, with excellent time-management skills. You must love our customers. You must enjoy talking on the phone.

Are you an enthusiastic, reliable, hard-working, compassionate, committed, energetic, understanding and supportive team-player willing to work evenings and weekends? If so, apply now by clicking here. By clicking the preceding link, you give your full and voluntary consent to invasive background checks, including, but not limited to, a criminal background check, a check of your credit reports and pre-employment drug testing. All applicants are subject to a polygraph test. We are an equal opportunity employer, and offer excellent benefits, including 401k and health and dental insurance, after a one-year probationary period.

Dumb Creationist Jokes

Q. What did the ugly fossil say after being insulted by the handsome fossil?
A. Sir, I am just as the Lord made me.

A child asks his creationist father how far away is the farthest star from Earth. The father answers, "I don't know, son, but if it's more than 6,000 light years, its a sinner."

A Creationist, a Buddhist, and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What's with the long face?" The horse shrugs, the Buddhist smiles, and the Creationist says, "Can you prove it's not true?"

Yeah, well, that's all I can come up with for now. I thought this would be easier.

Optimism

OK, so my phone said it was "cloudy," and about 50 degrees. I talked myself out of not going for a run, and about 15 minutes into it, the clouds burst into a torrential downpour, which continued for the entire duration of my run (5 miles). I guess I can't really blame the phone. The phone did not make it rain, I presume, and I did not ask it what the weather was going to be like 15 minutes from now. Still, I think it bears some responsibility. I'll own up to not specifically asking what the weather's going to be like in the future, but I know that the phone is capable anticipating things like this. After all, there seems to be no limit to its ability to push advertising products at me. Why not weather information?

I was soaked to the bone when I got home (figuratively only; the rain does not actually penetrate to the bone, at least not while one is alive, and I thought, "well, wet bones are probably better than dry bones.") I'm such an optimist. A wet-boned optimist.

Being Human

It's been six days and still, whenever I read about the Boston Marathon or see one of those jarring photographs, it feels like I've just been socked in the chest. And I can't get the images out of my head, so every so often I find myself clutching at something for support before I realize that I've just been socked in the chest again.

I almost ran the Boston Marathon, qualifying four years ago, and again three years ago, each time injuring my knee in the final stages of training. But that is not why I feel such intense empathy with the runners whose legs were blown off in the explosions. It is not because I am a runner that these images make me cringe in horror. No, it's just because I'm human.

The Boston Marathon jacket I have never worn and never will.

You know who else is human? The bombers. Well, one of them, anyway. The other is a former-human, and mostly I don't care about that, until it occurs to me that I am just as much like them as I am like the victims. We are all humans. We can call the bombers "monsters" or "mentally deranged" or even "evil," but that doesn't change the fact that in virtually every respect, they are almost exactly like me. No, I've never killed anyone before, and am confident that I will continue to resist the impulse to do so for the rest of my life. And I'm just as confident that almost every one of us is able to exercise the same restraint. Most of us just don't go around killing people. But some of us do.

And a great many of us commit other (obviously far less extreme and violent and horrible) acts on a pretty much day to day basis, that, while not causing people to die, do cause other humans a great deal of suffering and misery. Take me, for instance.

I spent the last 15 years as a collections attorney, and I was good at it. During that 15 years, I filed thousands of lawsuits, which, frankly, I did not look at very closely. There was no time for that, because of the thousands of motions for default judgment, and the thousands of wage garnishments and bank garnishments and executions that I was also filing.

And every one of those documents was a part of a process that caused other people suffering and misery.  I've helped to ruin a lot of lives, in other words. The process, in its simplest sense, involved taking money away from poor people and giving it to rich people ("people" who's names generally ended in 'Inc.'). And there are thousands of other collections attorneys doing pretty much the same thing every day. And these attorneys have large support staffs, and the agencies and firms for whom they work employ thousands of people, and the clients for whom they are collecting employ thousands more, all working toward the same end -- to take money away from poor people and give it to rich people.

Rows and rows of cubicles, filling collections agencies all over the country, are staffed with "customer service representatives" (yes that is what they call them, but from now on I will call the "collectors," which is far more accurate), wearing headsets attached to phones that automatically dial the phones of  poor people all day long, and ask them for money, often not very politely, and often knowing quite well that these people have no money to pay. But it's their job. And it is a full-time job. They do it for eight hours a day, five days a week. And the more money they can collect for their clients, the more money they make, in the form of "commission" or "bonuses." They are highly motivated, and do not like taking no for an answer.

Computer professionals work diligently to improve software that will allow court documents to be filed more quickly and more efficiently, so that even more lawsuits and judgments and garnishments can be filed against even more people, with increasingly less human oversight, which, let's face it, is expensive.

It is all done legally, of course (well, mostly). The process is made easier by judges who spend no more time reviewing the documents than the lawyers did. Increasingly, the documents are not even signed, but filed electronically. It's possible for them to be filed with no human actually looking at them at all!

It can all be justified, of course. We humans can justify anything. "They do owe the money, after all." "They can always hire their own attorney and dispute the lawsuit." (While I cannot count the number of lawsuits I filed, I can count the number of trials I had: one.) "If only they'd exercised more personal responsibility, they wouldn't be in this situation." All true, in a way.

I have seen close-up the misery I helped cause. I have seen the faces of the people whose lives I helped to ruin. Some of them are angry, some are just very sad. Most are confused and have no idea what is happening to them. Many have simply given up and drift about like ghosts ("dead souls" Chekhov might call them).

How many lives I  have I helped to ruin? I have no idea. Too many to count. I am aware of one who committed suicide, but that can be justified too. My client wasn't her only creditor, after all. And besides, she must have really depressed, even before I sued her and garnished her bank account and the attorney for the mortgage company foreclosed on her house.

I am only picking on the collection industry because it's what I know, and I said at the beginning that I was going to start with me. There are other industries that are just as good or even better at ruining peoples lives: drug companies, insurance companies, mortgage companies, the auto industry, the gun industry,  for starters. Maybe the company you work for ruined a few lives today. I don't know.

We don't do it on purpose, necessarily, but we do it.Over and over and over again. Does this make us as bad as the bombers? Of course not, obviously. It's all just part of being human.

I Love the Talking Heads!

(Note: This was adapted from a comment I posted in a thread, which ranked the Talking Heads albums from "worst to first.")

First of all, when it comes to Talking Heads albums, they are ALL good. Very good. You cannot buy a "bad" Talking Heads album. So, why even talk about their "worst" albums? There aren't any. With that in mind, here are my favorite Talking Heads albums, in order from very best to least best:

1. Remain in Light. Terribly risky record, with the introduction of new musicians, new sounds, etc., but goddamn it, everything works here. There's not a soft spot on it. This is the Talking Heads at the absolute peak of their powers. (I dunno what Tina and Chris and Jerry may have felt about the addition of new musicians, and the apparent domination of their "sound" by Brian Eno and David Byrne, but I have to imagine that they were excited about being part of this new sound, this new feeling, that was simultaneously ancient and also brand fucking new.) This is a beautiful record, and, in my opinion one of the very best records ever made by anyone.

2. Fear of Music. See above. This record does not quite achieve the heights of Remain in Light, but it comes goddamn near close. And there's nothing anywhere that touches "Heaven," or "Life During Wartime." They were on such a creative roll at this time, that they could do no wrong. I swear to God, even when David Byrne is singing about animals living on "nuts and berries," you are riveted. This is great stuff. (And one of the best album covers ever, by the way.)

3. More Songs About Buildings and Food. (Are you sensing a trend here? Well, your sense will be confirmed with my number 4 pick.) These are brilliant, quirky songs, that I can only imagine were an absolute blast to play live, every damn one of them. Their cover of Al Green's "Take Me to the River" is spectacular, and at the same time, must bow to the closer, "The Big Country," as the best song on this record. There are no weak spots here. This record is solid from beginning to end. (I bought this at K-Mart, by the way; not sure why I remember this.)

4. '77. This is the blueprint. Everything is here, if sometimes in a slightly (only very slightly) messy form. The crazy rhythms, the quirky singing, the bizarre lyrics, the FUN. OMG, this record is so much fun! "Psycho Killer"! "Don't Worry About the Government!" I love it, love it, love it! And frequently reach for it first when I'm jonesin' for some Talking Heads.

I continue, even now, decades later, to listen to these first four records on a semi-regular basis, and I never regret putting one on. I truly love every minute of every one of them. These are their four "gold star" or "5 star" or whatever you want to call it, records. They are all beautiful, and if they were my children, I would have to tell each of them, almost daily, and always privately, that I love each of you just as much as I love your sisters, but I also love your sisters just as much as I love you. And after a while, they would just have to understand.

5. OK, so now the 80s come along, and things start to get a little shaky. They stop putting out a new album of new material every year. Instead, we get a live album (The Name of This Band is Talking Heads, which is fantastic, by the way. One of the best live albums I have ever heard. I love the way it is sequenced. It is, in a way, a re-telling of their story up until now, beginning with live performances of the early songs performed by the original four members, who absolutely nail these songs that they've been playing now for years. These guys are good. No doubt about it. Gradually, new elements are added, new musicians, new sounds, until by the end, we get a raucous Remain in Light orchestral conclusion. Brilliant and beautiful. No new material here, but so wonderfully performed, that it is almost a substitute for the first four records.

6. Speaking in Tongues. This is the first misstep, but only a slight one. "Burning Down the House," which opens the record, is magnificent. "This Must Be the Place," which closes it, is beautiful and sad and melancholy and makes you want to start the whole record over again. But, when you do, you run into things like "Making Flippy Floppy" and "Moonrocks" and other songs that just don't really work, and you start to worry. This is the first Talking Heads record I purchased on CD, and I admit, I made use of the skip feature.

7. Little Creatures, like "Speaking in Tongues," is inconsistent (still a new thing for the Talking Heads). It is softer than "SIT" and maybe easier on the ears. (It could as easily be 6 rather than 7; these two albums, to me, are basically tied.) And, once again, as with SIT, the best songs are the opener ("And She Was," a crazy, fun song about a flying woman that somehow manages to make you sympathize with crazy flying women), and the closer, "Road to Nowhere," which is like no Talking Heads song I'd ever heard before, but is still unmistakably a "Talking Heads" song.

8. Naked. OK, now we're getting to the end of the road. But don't knock this record. It is probably the least best Talking Heads record ever (#9, below, hardly counts as a proper "Talking Heads" record), but it's not that bad. The song "Flowers," for example, is beautiful, a paean to the good old days before the earth took over again, reducing our Pizza Huts to fields of daisies and cornfields. Clever and pretty and just plain sweet. Unfortunately, there just wasn't much else here, and this was obviously the end of the line for them. But not a bad farewell. And if you haven't listened to it in a while, listen to it again. There is plenty of good stuff here. Really. I know it's hard though, because when you want to hear the Talking Heads, this is not really what you want to hear.

9. True Stories. From what I understand, this barely counts as a Talking Heads record at all. More of a David Byrne vanity project. But that's okay. "Love For Sale" and "Wild Wild Life" are great. But there's also quite a bit of filler. And the movie was lame. (Sorry! But, yeah, you know I'm right.) Still, If I had made nine albums in my career, and this was the "worst" of them, or the "least best" of them (according to some dope in Lincoln, Nebraska), I'd feel still be pretty damned proud.

So, yeah. No fucking shit. The Talking Heads were great. Their first four albums were as good as any first four albums that anyone has ever made. I would stack them against Roxy Music and Elvis Costello and the Ramones and Bruce Springsteen and the Clash and . . . one or two others that escape my mind. Maybe they (or at least their "leader") got a little too ambitious, and then maybe they tried to scale back again to recapture their original innocence, and maybe that didn't quite work out, but what the hell. These guys were goddamned good. No, I take that back. They were really fucking great.