During my 15 years as a collections attorney, I received quite a few letters from people I sued. Surprisingly, they were not all angry and vicious, and I never got a single (specific enough to prosecute) death threat. Unfortunately, I did not save them all, but I did save enough to provide a picture, I think, of three basic types: the nice letters that thanked me for not being an asshole; the angry letters that, on the contrary, insisted that I was an asshole; and the crazy letters from crazy people.
[I am going to quote from some of these letters, but will, of course, not reveal the names of the people who wrote them.]
The "Nice" Letter
I met "Becky" (not her real name) at a garnishment hearing. I had gotten a default judgment against her and, following the usual "flow" of things, immediately garnished her bank account. She was living with her mother at the time, having just been released from the hospital where she'd been for the last month after attempting suicide. She was, as you might imagine, upset. The money in the bank account was all her mother's money. Becky didn't have a job and although she had applied for disability, she had not yet been approved for it. And, the money in the bank account -- her mother's money -- was all exempt from garnishment because her mother was on social security. We had the hearing, in the courtroom, before the judge, where she told the judge her story in between sniffs and sobs. I agreed to release the garnishment. (I was not doing any favors at this point -- the funds in the account were exempt and I had no right to keep them.)
After the hearing, we went out into the hall and talked. Becky had to sit down. She really didn't understand what had just happened. She cried, and God help me, I put my arm round her as she sobbed great big tears into my suit jacket. This is when she told me about the hospitalization and the suicide attempt, and about how she was living with her mom, and the collectors were calling every day, over and over again, and she felt horrible about it, because her mom was the one who answered the phone (she couldn't - it was too stressful for her).
And this was when I told her what I was going to do. "First, I'm going to remove your bank information from the file and replace it with a notice that the funds in the bank account are 'exempt.' Okay?"
She sniffled and said, "Okay."
"Nobody will be able to change that without my approval, and I will not give anybody that approval. Do you understand?"
"Yes." (Sniffle.)
"Next, I'm going to remove your phone number from our database, so that from now on, it will be impossible for our 'auto-dialer' to call your phone number. Okay?"
"Okay."
"And finally, I'm going to ask you to do something for me, okay?"
"Okay."
"I want you to go home and take a nap. And just take it easy for a few days. Don't think about me, or this lawsuit or anything related to it, okay?"
"Okay."
"You promise?"
She actually smiled and said, "I promise."
"Good. Now, when you are ready to start looking for a job, start looking for a job, and when you find one, I want you to call me. And when that happens, we will set up a payment plan so that I won't have to file a garnishment of your wages. Do you understand?" I gave her my business card. "Call me when you get a job. We'll set up a payment plan that you can afford. Until then, don't even think about me, okay?"
We both left the courthouse. I went back to my office and, I suppose, she went back to her mother's house and took a nap. Maybe a month or two later, I got a letter from her:
"Dear Mr. Wroblewski,
You have been so kind in all you did to help me get this issue resolved. You may never know it but your kindness kept me alive that day."
It goes on, but you get the idea.
So, what happened to "Becky"? Well, she eventually did get a job, and when she did, she called me, and set up a payment arrangement, and she made all of her payments, finally paying off her judgment last December. She included her final check in a Christmas Card, which read:
"Thank you William for going above & beyond to help me! I sincerely hope you are valued & appreciated in all areas of your life! I hope 2013 is a blessed year filled with lots of friends!"
The Crabby Old Man
My favorite crabby old man is "John Henry" (not his real name, and not a signor of the Declaration of Independence). He both wrote and called. We had a long and difficult relationship. The first time he called me, he complained about the "auto-dialer" and how whenever he answers it, it hangs up on him. "I have a heart condition," he said, "And this is driving me nuts!" Then, over the next year or so, he mailed small payments in ($25, $30, etc.), irregularly. He was probably not even keeping up with the interest on the debt.
At some point, we sent him an automated "settlement offer" letter, and he called to say that he was "very upset" about that, that he is on "SSI now and can't afford to pay another dime and to leave him the hell alone." [Note: this call was not made to me, but to a collector. I would surely have removed his phone number from the dialer upon receiving such a call.]
Despite his comments to the contrary, he keeps sending checks, for $25, not every month, but most months. Every once in a while, he forgets to sign the checks, so I have to send them back. After another year or two of this, he called and left a voice mail message (which I do not have unfortunately, but which I will paraphrase):
"I've been ending payments for the last six goddamn years and writing checks for five years and the last time I wrote you a check, I requested a payoff amount and didn't get it. I do not plan on paying this goddamn bill for the next 50 years and if you are not smart enough to get me that information, you are a very poor lawyer."
A few days later, I received a letter from him stating that "there is something wrong with your figures and I am taking my paperwork to the judge."
Soon after that, he called the collections line, spoke to a collector, who reported, "Debtor was mumbling words. Unable to understand. Hung up."
His next call, also to the collections line, is reported by the collector as follows: "Debtor called, talked about us asking him out on a date. I (the collector) asked what I could help him with and he said nothing. Said, 'Dirty Lawyers,' and hung up."
The second-last letter I received from him read: "I am a[n] Oklahoma Hellfighter. I am not a rich man.You are a dirty bill collector and very low. I do not have a computer. I can only send by mail and postal service. I have been paying on this bill to the crooked lawyers that can't make a living no other way. I have canceled checks for over 5 years and [the remainder is indecipherable]."
The last communication I received from him was an envelope addressed to me and filled with white powder. I opened it, a poof of white powder billowed from the envelope, and I called the police. The office was evacuated. Police, firemen, emergency workers, lab techs, etc., were dispatched to the office to analyze the contents of the envelope, which turned out to be flour. We closed his file.
And the Just Plain Crazy . . .
In response to a generic lawsuit on a credit card case, I received a "Motion to Dismiss" from a defendant whom I will call "Boris the Spider," for no particular reason. [Not his real name.]. I'm just going to go ahead and quote this at length, so bear with me:
"I motion the court to dismiss this untenable hence futile case for the following reasons:
- I repudiate the inflated hence erroneous debt amount speciously presented by the stolid plaintiff.
- The Plaintiff was implacable and thus refused to accept my payments smaller than their inflexible standard. They vindictively turned my account over to the inexorable rapacity of a collection agency.
- I have fallen victim to the stagnated economy which has pervaded our entire nation and now defines this ominous epoch. Consequently, my financial status is now insolvent, and, unfortunately, I have been reduced to poverty. I have neither savings nor retirement or any such security to be examined, expropriated, let alone, to mitigate my penury. This is an irrefutably fact that can be substantiated by credible witnesses as well as government records.
- The alleged debt under consideration is deemed as [unsecured]. Furthermore, it accrued by the promiscuous spate of financial mergers endemic to banking and especially within this last unscrupulous, impetuous, and infamous decade. Therefore, this was the "risk factor" waged by the avarice of the Plaintiff.
- It is illogical and unethical for the Plaintiff to capriciously offer a payoff discount of up to ninety percent, unsuccessfully, and, after wits, parlay the spurious amount to an arrant hence unreasonable sum. Such arbitrary latitude certainly calls into question their draconian conclusion as well as their misuse of the Court.
- It is impossible for me to satisfy moreover mitigate this insurmountable debt impugned against me by the Plaintiff. The future portends an even greater exiguity.
It would behoove the Court and, all involved, to dismiss the untenable case. Therefore, I motion to dismiss."
I have to admit, I find this Motion to be almost beautiful. Of course, I have no idea what he is talking about. He occasionally grazes important topics, but does not really understand then, or at the very least is unable to write about them in any meaningful way. And yet, you can't deny, he's interesting as hell. Did I get more correspondence from Boris the Spider? Yes, I did. Bonus coverage:
"I am in receipt of your letter dated [date]. Please take note that I have responded immediately to your inquiry. Thank you for extending another debt settlement offer. However, my financial situation has worsened since our last written discourse. The pervasive effect of the the emaciated economy has left many casualties in the business world. The economic situation is growing critical and the future trajectory dismal at best. I regretfully inform you that I cannot satisfy this debt."
"I am in receipt of your court summons dated [date], and subsequent letter entitled: MAKE US AN OFFER, dated [date]. Please take note that I have responded immediately to your written inquiries and have invariably demonstrated probity and civil decorum in my written discourses in response.
"Thank you for extending another debt settlement offer. However, my financial situation is dire and has continued to degenerate since our last written discourse. At this time, I do not have enough money for food. My parents have been feeding me. That is humiliating when you are 47 years of age but growing common. However, the baneful economic crisis has metastasized now nationwide. Our nation is embroiled in the great depression of the year 2010.
"Unfortunately, I cannot satisfy this debt moreover afford the option of making tenuous hence fleeting payments. Furthermore, the lawsuit you are attempting to impose against me is patently futile. I have no desirable assets. In fact, I have no retirement, savings, investments, in a word: nothing. My house is 100 years old, less than 800 square feet, has one bedroom, and no plumbing. In addition, the location of my property is deemed undesirable. My vehicles are antiquated and cannot pas standard emissions requirements; thus, they are undesirable and un-sellable. Everything I own is substandard. I am impecunious and live in poverty. Therefore, your efforts as a collections attorney to oppress, enslave, and thus torment, a hapless person, who living in abject poverty, is unquestionably draconian and aberrant to say the least.
"It is offensive to logic for you to invest more time and money pursuing a lost cause nevertheless burdening a court of law than what is literally owed as the debt, knowing that your untenable objective is impossible. Furthermore, the likelihood of a judge looking favorably upon your ignoble quest is imprudent.
"Sagaciously, I wish to quell any skepticism you may bear regarding my inauspicious circumstances. Unlike many of your defendants (debtors), I have never smoked, drank, drugged, gambled, whore mongered, and etcetera in my entire life. I have always worked hard and demonstrated probity, dependability, conservation, and spiritual beneficence. I am highly esteemed in my home town as a paragon citizen. I carry an unsullied police record. I am intelligent, talented, handsome, and sound of mind. I am in a constant state of advancing my education and thus the improvement of my being.
"However, time and chance happens to all, and none escape death. We are irrefutably living in perilous times. Therefore, take head that you, as a seasoned attorney, will be facing the same precarious circumstances in the near future. Thus, be admonished by the ominous presage looming on the horizon portend that your future will also suffer the same daunting fate.
"Until then, bode well my friend. The storm on the horizon is advancing exponentially."
I don't know about you, but I'd have to say that that's a pretty goddamn creepy letter. Not threatening, but creepy. And weird. And, of course, totally bat-shit loony.
I'm going to finish this with one more "nice" letter, so I can sleep tonight:
"Dear Mr.Wroblewski,
Thank you for your kindness. I will send a $[xx] payment by the 15th of each month.
Sincerely,
Nice Lady
P.S. I don't care what people say about attorneys; I will be a passionate defender of your profession from here on out should a situation require it. :)"
