I am Barry.
I am Barry.
Barry, I be.
That Barry-I-be,
That Barry-I-be,
I do not like
that Barry-I-be.
But do you want your health care
free?
I do not want it,
Barry-I-be.
I do not want my
health care free.
How about a free flu shot?
I do not want a
free flu shot.
Your free flu
shot is a communist plot!
I do not want my
health care free.
You stay away,
you Barry-I-be.
Perhaps you're due for a prostate
check?
Say, is that a pustule on your
neck?
Do not slander
me, Barry-I-be!
I assure you, my
neck is quite pustule-free.
And no, I'm not
due for a prostate probe,
So keep your gloves and your paper robe
In you cupboard, along with the rest of your plan,
And I'll keep talking, for as long as I can.
It couldn't hurt to have a doctor
check it,
Your odds are much better, the
sooner it's detected.
This phantom
pustule that only you see
Is my personal pustule -- it belongs to me!
And even if it's only imaginary,
Your scrutiny
threatens my liberty!
Well, that's up to you and not up
to me,
But have your wife take a look –
I'm sure she'll agree.
Leave my wife out
of it, you bogus Hawaiian,
Our marriage
ain't perfect, but God knows we're tryin'.
Counseling's covered under my
plan
Even if it turns out that your
wife is a man.
My wife is a
woman, you foreign-born cur!
Take back your
slander, take back your slur!
Marriage, a
sacred tradition most holy,
Can be between
one man and one woman only.
Our marriage
needs none of your cheap therapy.
In our
traditional roles, we are awfully happy.
And I have no
pustule on my neck.
And I do not need
a prostate check.
And I do not want
a free flu shot.
I am no part of
your communist plot.
I do not want my
health care free.
I do not want it,
Barry-I-be.
Can I interest you in some birth
control?
It's covered (at your employer's
discretion).
Free samples are available.
Just ask your pharmacist if you
have any questions.
We do not need
your birth control pills
Which lead to
most of society's ills.
And if condoms and such were not God-forbidden,
They'd have grown
on trees in the Garden of Eden.
We do not need
your therapy.
My wife and I are fine, you see.
Lancing pustules
is not a Government function
Let them try it –
I'll get an injunction.
So keep your
check-ups to yourself
Your prostate
probes, leave on the shelf.
I do not need
your free flu shot.
I do not want
your health care plot.
How long have I
been talking now?
My mouth is dry,
I'm growing hoarse.
But I made a
promise, I made a vow.
I must keep
talking, must stay the course.
It's been twenty-one hours –
your throat must be sore.
Can I get you lozenge, so you can
talk more?
Don't try to trick me, you Barry-I-be.
I'm smart; I'm
from Harvard – not some lesser Ivy.
Don't worry – there are no
tricks up my sleeve.
If you can't trust a Harvard man,
who can you believe?
I'll accept your
lozenge in the spirit of comity
How much to I owe
you, Barry-I-be?
Not a thing, Mr. Cruz. It's
totally free.
Totally
free?
But
how can that be?
Your rank and position make you
specially privileged
Like most of us here in this
rancorous village,
To benefits most folks can't even
conceive.
So suck on your lozenge and
gracefully leave.
I will suck your lozenge, you Barry-I-be,
And thank you so kindly for giving it to me.
When I'm finished, a staffer will make an appointment --
My pustule is
aching; I must need some ointment.
And yes, I will
even get a free flu shot.
Preventative
medicine is no commie plot.
My prostate needs
probing, I'm loath to admit it
(But the fact is, I rather like it a bit.)
I do want your
health care, you Barry-I-be,
How could I not
want something totally free?
It costs not a nickel, or even a song,
For rich folks
like us, it's been free all along!
